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Dear 2016 Me (From 2015 Me)

by Amy L. Marxkors

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Dear 2016 Me, 

How’s it going? Settled in? Comfortable? Did you find the clean towels in the hall closet? Extra toilet paper under the sink? Good, good. 

So, I wanted to leave you with a few notes before I handed over the keys for good, just to help you with the transition. (This whole “year changeover” thing can be such a hassle.) Okay, let’s see here… 

Re: eating habits. There have been some rumblings about eating more mindfully this year. “You’re either healing your body or poisoning it” is the phrase, I believe. To that end, I’ve noticed it’s best to avoid food products made by either Tostitos or the Keebler Elves. In fact, I think it’s a solid rule of thumb to avoid eating anything made by elves. Be especially wary of the Rice Krispies elves. Part of a balanced breakfast or not, they are gateway elves. You will inevitably find yourself enticed by their "Treats." Just a head’s up. 

Also, I was perusing the notes from the beginning of last year… It looks like I may have failed to PR in the following distances: half marathon, 10K, and 5K. To be honest, I failed to PR in any distance, but since those were the only three jotted down, I’m not assuming responsibility for any other races that may have been run. Additionally, I went ahead and penciled in a few goal times on your to-do list. I figured you wouldn’t mind picking up the slack. 

However, I do have some good news! Re: the resolution to listen to more Freddie Mercury in 2015… CHECK. With flying colors, too. You’re welcome. 

Several months ago, I discovered I can do a mean Gilbert Gottfried impression. Use this power wisely. 

Another thing: foam roll and stretch as if your life depends on it. I cannot possibly stress this enough. Before you run. After you run. While you’re visiting grandma. You would not believe the horrific things that happen to your body when you don’t foam roll and stretch. It’s bad. Debilitating. Crippling. So, please. Take the time to foam roll. Make it your religion. 

On that same train of thought… I may have failed to foam roll and stretch adequately. As a result, your hips are in pretty rough shape. I’ve set up a series of massages and signed you up for a Functional Flexibility class. In the meantime, you’re probably going to be in quite a bit of pain. I’ve stocked the pantry with Advil and there are several ice packs in the freezer. 

Despite every natural lexicological inclination, an “ombudsman” is not, in fact, a type of park ranger. #themoreyouknow 

Get more sleep. 

Track the mileage on your shoes and FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE GET NEW SHOES WHEN YOU NEED THEM. 

To that end… I may have put one too many miles on my Energy Boosts—you know, the “Microsoft gray” ones. Your IT band is probably going to be a teensy bit testy for a while. (Occasionally, it may feel as though someone has rammed an ice pick through your kneecap.) Don’t freak. [see comment on foam rolling] 

Do. Not. Ever. Drink. Bourbon. Before. A. Race. 

Let’s see here… what else? Oh, yes. I have a note from 2014 Me that says something about always putting cream in your coffee. Apparently, 2014 Me went on some kind of ridiculous “Whole 30” diet, which absolutely prohibited the consumption of all dairy and sugar (among other integral components of the Me diet). This was quite a traumatic experience for the 2014 Me, and I have strict instructions to forward her note, verbatim, to you. So, here it is: 

PUT CREAM IN YOUR COFFEE. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. You could DIE TOMORRROW and how would you feel knowing that you suffered the FINAL DAYS OF YOUR LIFE without putting CREAM IN YOUR COFFEE? IT’S NOT WORTH IT. Pass this note on to future Me IN PERPETUUM. 

So. There you go. 

The correct lyrics to the song “Groovin’ (On a Sunday Afternoon)” are as follows: “Life could be ecstasy, you and me endlessly.” They are not, as previously assumed, “Life could be ecstasy, you and me and Leslie.” So, no need to Google, “who is leslie in that song groovin’ on a sunday afternoon?” #themoreyouknow 

And speaking of Google and the internet: read fewer news headlines. Trust me on this. You won’t miss anything important. You’ll hear what you absolutely need to hear. But do not, on any account, browse the Yahoo home page. It’s depressing, and you will be depressed. So. Just. Don’t. 

The same goes for comment sections of basically anything. Avoid at all costs. 

Good news! It’s an Olympic year! Woohoo! Wear something patriotic and be inspired by the athletes. 

Because you’re gonna need it. 

Because bad news: it’s also a Presidential election year, and things are not looking good. I repeat: things are not looking good. 

Lastly, I bought you a treadmill! Wahoo, right?? Now you can run in the comfort of your home, no matter the time of day, come rain or shine or hell or high water or black ice. 

And I stuck you with the bill! HA. 

So, I’m actually serious. You’ll want to pay it off before you hand the keys to 2017, otherwise the interest rate will jump to 30 percent. So, good luck with that. 

All the best,
2015 Me

 

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